I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
