well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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