remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
