I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
