...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
