Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
