basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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