youre lurking in front of me
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
