I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
