I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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