Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
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