so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
