I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
