I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
