Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
