people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
BRING THE BAGELS
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
