Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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