I want to have your abortion
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
