dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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