the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
