Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
