i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
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i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
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Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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