He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
