So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
