been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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