Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
