3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I just googled if crying burns calories
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
