Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
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drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
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