Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
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