i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
