Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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