I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
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this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We have so much sex to catch up on
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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