Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
