i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
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I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
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I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
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