Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
