I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
