I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys
wow, that really makes you stop and think.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
