I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
