she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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