i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
