I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
