Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
3 2 1 whiskey
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Randomize
