Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
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My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
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I am naked and annoyed.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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