I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
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