i love accidental penises.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
