I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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