So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
BRING THE BAGELS
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
