Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
