also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
