2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
