I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
