I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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