How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
