all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
