On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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